Monday, February 14, 2005

trigger panic

So I got a call Sunday from the guy at the security guard company, telling me that my background check had cleared and I could schedule my 6 hour "pre-employment training." I felt worse with this news. Everything about the potential of becoming a security guard filled me with increasing dread, and it felt as if the job were a black hole sucking me in.

I payed my bills, and refigured my finances. After discussing matters with my wife, I decided not to take the security position after all. We will swing the money thing somehow, and I will continue to look for employment...I'm just not going to do it as a rent-a-cop. I get to call them tomorrow and let them know.

Deciding not to take the job felt actually felt like the black cloud that had been hanging over my head since I applied finally decided to dissipate. I'm not afraid of doing any work, and I have worked some really awful jobs (remind me to tell the story of killing rats with a broomhandle with a nail on the end), but there was something about this one that made me horribly depressed. Maybe it was the fact that I'd have to work 2nd or 3rd shift AND be on call AND not have guaranteed hours. Maybe it was that my schedule would only be determined by last minute phone calls. Maybe it was just too close to the wino/flunky status, and I am not ready to admit to myself that I am without hope employment-wise...yet.

You may see me flipping burgers. You may see me as a greeter at Wal-Mart. You may see me as a bouncer. But I REFUSE to hold clipboards and ask you to sign in.

Give me another two years on the job market, however, and I may change my mind.


Anonymous said...

good luck on the job field. I think the worst thing is being in a job you hate...even though paying your the bills is a good thing. Hope you find something you like. However could you not get employed and find somthing else after!

Jennifer said...

You gotta do what you gotta do Mike, as they say. I think your mental health is paramount, and if you were feeling bad about this job, it's good that you didn't take it. In the end, you've got to look at yourself in the mirror and be okay with it. Ask Matthew about his turning down of a job at an investment brokerage firm - just couldn't work for the capitalists... it's good to have principles...