Thursday, March 16, 2006

against the grain

We tried a new bread the other day, a multigrain affair, and it was a hit. So, when I went to the grocery store on Monday, I was going to get another loaf.

My wife wrote down "9 grain bread" on the grocery list. In the bread isle, they had 9 grain, 12 grain, and 15 grain. I picked up the nine, because I trust my wife...but I had suspicions.

When I got home, I checked the empty bag from our last loaf, and, indeed, it was a twelve grain. For at least the next week and a half, we are doomed to have less grains than we got used to with our old bread.

I feel slow, sluggish, and a little ripped off. I'm also curious as to which grains they omitted in order to get the final number down to nine. Were they vital grains? Did they have any dynamic physiological properties? Were they, for example, endorphin releasers?

And what about that 15 grain? Is it a better bread? Will the extra grains give me more vitality? Or is it like a fifteen year Scotch, where the higher number of grains equate to added complexity of taste and aroma?

Will other bakeries try to follow suit? Will we, as a result, suffer grain inflation? Will Wonder, in an attempt to gain lost marketshares, come out with a 20 grain bread? Aunt Millie responding with a 30 grain? Will the grain war escalate?

This raises some vital questions. How many grains, for instance, can one concievably fit into a loaf of bread? What is the maximum grain threshold? Will we put our great scientists to work on constructing an omni-grain bread? Do our enemies have more grains than us? Is there a grain gap? A grain drain?

Will this desire to increas the grains in our bread lead to other scientific advancements? Do genetically modified grains count as a different grain? What about different varieties?

Will we further our astronomical searches in order to find extraterrestrial grains? Can we fit so many grains into a bread that it would, in its infinite denseness, collapse into itself, thus ripping the time-space fabric? Would it cause our universe to collapse into a single granule of grain?

Maybe the universe that we're in now is just some prior race's multigrain bread, which itself collapsed into a singularity, which then exploded at the "big (grain) bang." It's possible we could be living on what some prior beings considered to be a mere speck of bulghar wheat.

I think that must be the truth...I feel it in every grain of my existence.


Amy said...

12-grain bread at your house? Fancy. All I have is a loaf of Hillbilly bread.

Jennifer said...

only recently have I begun to willingly eat these nutty breads - I refused for the longest time - give me plain old white bread!!! While in BG, I switched over to whole wheat bread -- change takes time.... ;)

Matthew said...

Dude...If you can get a loaf of bread made by someone in BG, or a Toledo is prob. better than ANY of the supermarket loaves...even those that they bake in the store. Eg...

I'm in with a guy in the bakery section of our supermarket...the "artisan" bread they sell is dough shipped frozen from 2,000 miles away and baked en masse in the supermarket.

When did it get so hard to eat nutrious food...darn global capitalism...or something.

themikedubose said...

Hey, I know, but I'm dealing with two problems.

First, my wonderful wife was raised on ultra-processed foods, so she actively doesn't like some of the "real" food I've tried to push. She's getting better, but it's a process weaning someone off prepackaged and frozen. Plus she really likes the even slices.

Secondly, the only fresh bread in BG is Panera's, and you still have the chain thing to deal with. And I'm only in Toledo for work, and there is nothing on the way to or fro UT. I must dig more. Remember, we're not all as cosmopolitan as you, sir.

Matthew said...


I understand the weaning can discount all of my previous comments on this post as they pertain to that.

Am I remembering correctly that the folks at C&C bake their own bread? If so, I'm sure that they would be willing to sell you a few loaves...especially the day-old stuff that they don't want to use in sandies for customers..even though they are still fresh and delicious to you and I. I remember having some great sourdough bread there in my vegetarian sandies...go for it.

Finally, as a once-in-a-while thing, you might want to try baking a few loaves on your own. I'm sure that there are many "for the home" recipies available on the internet. It is VERY inexpensive and kinda fun as well. And/or if you have a buddy with one of those swell breadmaker machines, that is another option.