Today, I spent entirely too much time in front of the computer, and as a result, my eyes got a little bloodshot. I tore the house apart, but I couldn't find the eye drops anywhere...so although I was in utterly no pain, I had no choice but to go around looking like I either had pink eye or had consumed a large amount of various illegal substances.
Later in the night, I found watching television on the couch with my wife when the following conversation occurred more or less verbatim:
"You know, I think I have a solution."
"To your ugly eye?"
"Yeah. It just occurred to me that I have a kitchen...and a knife...and an onion."
"Oh, no, Mike, you don't want to do that."
"Why not? It would make me cry."
"Yes, but it would inflame the membranes."
"You should just try and think of something sad...like the Holocaust."
This is why, by the way, my life is completely awesome.